Ask a Zen Priest: Q&A on Contemporary Stress ③

Many people get stuck for words because they read too much into the situation or are too concerned about others’ feelings. They might wonder, “What is the right thing to say?” or think, “If I say it this way, it might be misunderstood,” or “Can I use the right words?” This pressure to “use the right words” often hinders smooth conversation.

Keiko Takagi, a Christian Sister and Director Emeritus of Grief Care at Sophia University, once shared something important. After the Great East Japan Earthquake, there was a debate about whether it was appropriate to easily use the word “Ganbatte” with those in the affected areas who had already endured so much hardship. She said, “When I speak to someone, if I feel that they need to hear ‘Ganbatte,’ I will say it. If not, I won’t. The word itself is neither good nor bad; its meaning depends on the context in which it is spoken. Most importantly, it’s about whether there is a caring heart behind the words.”

In Buddhism, there is a concept called “Aigo”. Aigo is one of the practices of “Ritagyo,” which means wishing and acting to help those who are sad or suffering. Aigo means speaking kind words with a heart of compassion. As Takagi mentioned, if you have a heart full of compassion, words will come out naturally, like water overflowing from a cup. Instead of focusing on superficial gestures, consider carefully the thoughts and feelings behind what you want to convey.

It is difficult, but if you can switch your mindset to see the person you struggle with as “This person is also suffering, and it is a pity they are like this,” the atmosphere of communication will change. As your inner self changes, your words will naturally begin to flow.

I have been working with bereaved family members of suicide loss for more than 10 years. The grief of losing a loved one is perhaps the greatest pain in life. It is very difficult for those who have suffered a painful experience to open up, and they often face a long, long silence. It is natural, but each person’s expression of grief is truly distinctive. Over the course of these activities, I have come to realize that what people really want to say and what they want to be heard are not “facts” but “feelings.” And the fact is that there are surprisingly few places in our society where people can honestly talk about their “feelings.”

Even at memorial services such as the 49th day or the second anniversary of a loved one’s death, I ask the mourners, “How do you feel now?” Some say, “I haven’t caught up with my feelings yet,” while others say, “I have finally accepted it.” The responses vary from person to person. I just respond with a simple “I see” and accept their feelings. When I do that, I can feel the other person’s mood suddenly relax.

Most of our daily verbal communication revolves around “matters.” At work, we ask, “How did that job go?” At home, we ask, “Are you having dinner tonight?” or “What happened at school?” However, what we really want people to listen to are our “feelings.” When you talk to someone, it is so much more comfortable to be able to exchange “feelings” directly without wrapping them in “matters.” I would like you to understand this first and foremost.

“No, no, exchanging feelings is too difficult!” Of course, there are people who think that way. For those people, the simplest and most recommended approach is to ask the person in front of you, “How do you feel right now?” Just ask them, without any preamble.

At first, the other person may be puzzled and say, “What? Suddenly?” But they might start to say things like, “I may be a little irritated right now,” or “There’s something that’s been bothering me.” You, too, should accept this without judgment, simply saying, “I see.” Then, if you continue the conversation with “Is there something worrying you?” the other person may gradually open up.

Instead of expecting the other person to listen to you more, why not start by asking, “How do you feel?” You will find that the atmosphere changes in a surprising way. As you continue doing this, the other person may start asking you, “What do you think?”